Vatican Running Abortion Clinics
Boston -- With its "pope" much in the news recently for excoriating "sinners" with a new book and being frequently rushed to the hospital, Vatican City, the estate in Rome that is all that remains of the once mighty Catholic empire, is desperate to deny or at least downplay this scandal.
No, it's not the recent discovery that it refused to return to their families Jewish children it had saved from the Nazis.
Papers traced by this agency's top investigative reporter have revealed that the Vatican, as the organization is familiarly called, runs a chain of abortion clinics throughout Europe and North America.
At first glance it seems hypocritical. But, as our investigator (who must remain anonymous to protect himself and his family) explains, the scheme achieves their two primary aims very efficiently.
"They need money, and they need members. The clinics are very profitable, and with the pope on down calling their own clients murderers they manufacture guilt. And guilt brings them in."
A public relations expert who has worked with many top Republicans in the U.S. concurs.
"Of course, it's tricky when the truth gets out, but the Roman church is an enviable model," says Brom Famiene. "Fox scrapes the barrel for highly successful tawdry TV, then berates 'the media' for threatening our morals. You don't stop at picking the public's pocket, you go on and pick your own pocket, while shaming them for letting their pockets get picked till they believe you're on their side."
Spokesmen from the Vatican have in fact denied any connection with the Magdalene Women's Services chain, reiterating their stand that although they respect every woman's choice it is a sin that will be punished in eternal fire.