It’s War !

News of the redirection of impotent fury.

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Nicholas Kristof Graduates from Kindergarten

Nicholas D. Kristof, Pulitzer Prize–winning columnist at the New York Times, announced today that he is a first grader. He writes that he wishes everyone would stop thinking he is still in kindergarten. He isn't. And he doesn't like kindergarteners at all now that he knows how important it is to prove that he is not one.

He also doesn't like his summer camp counselor, but doesn't like the other kids saying they don't like him first, which he says shows that are still like kindergarteners. Some of them say the counselor's a liar, but Kristof shows how much smarter he is by saying he's "sometimes self-deluded" instead.

"You see, adjectives are a much more mature way to describe someone. Only a baby uses nouns," explains Kristof, "and everyone here does. It's like some sort of conspiracy. I can't wait until this stupid summer is over," he complains.

Other campers have charged that Kristof is the baby, and that he has a weird fear of calling things right in front of his nose by their real names. "We saw a snake yesterday, and everyone screamed 'Snake! Cool!' but Nick went to the counselor and told him we were crazy and that it's just a legless reptilian creature and we shouldn't act like a bunch of excited babies," said Bryan Fawkes, who is "in first grade, too."

"He says he doesn't like the counselor 'cause he thinks that's the cool thing to say, but then we start saying things about him -- which are true, or we're like just asking about some of the weird things he does -- and Nick just freaks out like the counselor's his dad," added Marian Bellby, a second-grader at the camp.

Kristof, recovering in the infirmary from a bad encounter with poison ivy, was unavailable for comment.