Cheney to Oversee Looting of New Orleans

Dismayed at the slow federal response to the destruction wrought by hurricane Katrina, President Bush has designated Vice President Dick Cheney to set things straight.

Cheney, with his experience looting Iraqis and Americans, will oversee similar looting in New Orleans and other areas hit hard by Katrina.

In a sign that the government is regaining control, Kellog Brown & Root, the construction and supply division of Halliburton, which still pays Mr. Cheney as its former CEO, has already secured no-bid contracts and a promise that prevailing wages can be ignored. The city has been cleared of its residents and secured by the U.S. Army, so that KBR can operate without hindrance.

"We should have the city working again in two to three months," Cheney said. "We will then allow residents to return, a few at a time. They will be provided photo IDs after background checks and KBR security has their non-competition pledges."

Each family will be issued a blanket, 3 quarts of bottled water, and 5 cans of Spaghetti-Os and will receive a special note of gratitude for their sacrifice from the President.