Israel pushes penis pills
In a bid to prove himself a worthy successor of his mentor, the very manly Ariel Sharon, Israel Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has launched an aggressive campaign to sell penis enlargement and erection enhancer drugs.
E-mail users around the world began receiving cryptic notices for \//-\C-P-/-\ and G|/-\|_|v^ on Thursday. Links in the messages took more daring readers to the Israeli parliament's e-mart and descriptions of the superior "fire power" the government-manufactured drugs would provide.
It is speculated in some quarters that in fact the U.S. is thus testing new "weapons against impotence."
"The problem with much of our armamentarium," says webmaster Baruch Stein, "is that it often falls into the hands of our enemies."
The new drugs, say analysts, are designed to work only with Jewish penises.
"We will fuck the Arabs," Olmert announced on Friday.
Many experts with experience in the area express doubt that Olmert's efforts will be successful.
"What's an Arab?," asks sex therapist Maeve O'Hara. "They're semites, just like the Jews. They speak the same language, they practice circumcision, they shun pork. They want to return to Palestine."
But chemists who are close to the project insist that the drugs are more complex than that, pointing out the strong presence of European genes in many Israelis.
"That still leaves out the Sephardic population, but Israel would be better off with less of them, too," said webmaster Stein.
Full studies are not yet finished, but side effects so far appear to be minimal. The most serious is reported to be runny semen in a majority of cases. According to one tester, "it splashes all over the place, getting on everything. It doesn't stay in the target. It's almost impossible to control. It's worse than nothing. It's criminal."