It’s War !

News of the redirection of impotent fury.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Vermont legalizes cooties

Despite the tearing of hair, trembling lips, and outright tantrums of opponents, the Vermont legislature today overrode the governor's veto and legalized cooties.

Nervously, proponents of the bill followed the roll call and tallied the votes. But it was too close to be sure, until the speaker read the official count: 100 to 49.

After calling the chamber to order, the speaker adjourned for lunch. He was then seen reaching out to the minority leader and shouting "cooties!" The minority leader waved his crossed fingers in front of him as he recoiled in disgust and horror before fleeing for safety to his clubhouse.

Other legislators and the mobs of supporters followed the speaker's example and chased opponents around the statehouse and through the streets of Montpelier.

One of the leaders in the fight against legalizing cooties, Bill Brosseure, later issued a statement from an undisclosed location that this bill was a disgrace to the very foundation of civilization. "No deer camp will ever be the same", he warned.

The governor explained his veto of such a popular bill as a statement of principle against admitting the possibility that cooties is not something to fear. "On the contrary," he told an AP correspondent, "cooties is the work of the devil and I worry that this bill will drive many young people away to cooties-free places when we are trying so hard to keep them in state where I need to also protect them from a nickel gas tax."

Cooties advocates scoffed. "Cooties is already here. Come September 1, no longer will the right to vote require a hypocritical and much-abused anti-cooties pledge. This will benefit everyone, whether they supported this bill or not."

With the cooties business past them, legislators will next take up a bill revoking the traditional "certificate of heterosexuality" that has long defined marriage in the state.