It’s War !

News of the redirection of impotent fury.

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Nicholas Kristof Graduates from Kindergarten

Nicholas D. Kristof, Pulitzer Prize–winning columnist at the New York Times, announced today that he is a first grader. He writes that he wishes everyone would stop thinking he is still in kindergarten. He isn't. And he doesn't like kindergarteners at all now that he knows how important it is to prove that he is not one.

He also doesn't like his summer camp counselor, but doesn't like the other kids saying they don't like him first, which he says shows that are still like kindergarteners. Some of them say the counselor's a liar, but Kristof shows how much smarter he is by saying he's "sometimes self-deluded" instead.

"You see, adjectives are a much more mature way to describe someone. Only a baby uses nouns," explains Kristof, "and everyone here does. It's like some sort of conspiracy. I can't wait until this stupid summer is over," he complains.

Other campers have charged that Kristof is the baby, and that he has a weird fear of calling things right in front of his nose by their real names. "We saw a snake yesterday, and everyone screamed 'Snake! Cool!' but Nick went to the counselor and told him we were crazy and that it's just a legless reptilian creature and we shouldn't act like a bunch of excited babies," said Bryan Fawkes, who is "in first grade, too."

"He says he doesn't like the counselor 'cause he thinks that's the cool thing to say, but then we start saying things about him -- which are true, or we're like just asking about some of the weird things he does -- and Nick just freaks out like the counselor's his dad," added Marian Bellby, a second-grader at the camp.

Kristof, recovering in the infirmary from a bad encounter with poison ivy, was unavailable for comment.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

State Dept. Puzzled By Putin Remarks

Finding themselves again out of the loop, officials at the State Department expressed bafflement at Russian president Vladimir Putin's statement that he had warned the U.S. that Saddam Hussein was planning attacks on the U.S.

Putin's announcement appeared timed to help George Bush counter the conclusions of the committee investigating the 9/11/2001 attacks that Iraq and al Qaeda has nothing to do with each other, suggesting that the invasion of Iraq had nothing to do with the "war on terror."

At the Office of Iraqi Liberty in the Pentagon, known as "The Loop," Iraq's Saddam-era debt to Russia was put back on the books, and rules for allowing Russian companies to bid for subcontracts to Halliburton were being prepared.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Bloomsday 2004

Children worldwide celebrate "Bloomsday" today, traditional start of summer holiday.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Nation Pays Tribute to Ronald Reagan

Gag me with a spoon !

Monday, June 07, 2004

Al Jazeera Receives Osama bin Laden Tape Praising Reagan

The Qatar-based news network Al Jazeera received a tape late Sunday claimed to be a recording of Osama bin Laden. It was presented as a tribute to Ronald Reagan, the president of the United States from 1981 to 1989 who allegedly died on Saturday after suffering from Alzheimer's for much of his life.

On the tape, bin Laden calls Reagan a "father figure to freedom fighters everywhere." He cites Reagan's "warrior spirit" and hatred of communism and his "readiness to kill in the name of his convictions." "He stands as a beacon in the night, an inspiration urging us to earn his approbation, to be all that God has given us to be, to be all that he, this great man who now enjoys his long reserved bench in Paradise, knows we can be," he continues, "and rejoice in the wisdom that our enemies are cursed and must succumb to God's superior weaponry."

The CIA, FBI, Coast Guard, INS, DHS, Pentagon, White House, OMB, CBO, Fannie Mae, and OTB have acquired copies of the tape via Al Jazeera's English-language web site and are analyzing its authenticity. "Until we are sure this is the voice of Osama bin Laden, we cannot say whether the 40th president of the United States is dead," said a spokesman for the Washington, D.C., police department. "Until then, we advise all Americans to watch for and report any suspicious individuals."

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Ronald W. Reagan, 40th President of U.S., Is Dead

A sampling of headlines . . .

• Escalated Soviet-U.S. Arms Race, Bankrupting Both Superpowers,
Plunging Much of World into Decades of War Without End
• Squashed Democracies in Central America, At Home
• Transformed U.S. from World's Biggest Lender to Biggest Debtor
• Made Idiocy, Sham, and Vulgarity the Blatant Norm in Politics
• Mourning in America -- Not!

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Bill Cosby on Names

"With a crap name like Condoleezza, well yeah, she'll end up in jail."