It’s War !

News of the redirection of impotent fury.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Israel pushes penis pills

In a bid to prove himself a worthy successor of his mentor, the very manly Ariel Sharon, Israel Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has launched an aggressive campaign to sell penis enlargement and erection enhancer drugs.

E-mail users around the world began receiving cryptic notices for \//-\C-P-/-\ and G|/-\|_|v^ on Thursday. Links in the messages took more daring readers to the Israeli parliament's e-mart and descriptions of the superior "fire power" the government-manufactured drugs would provide.

It is speculated in some quarters that in fact the U.S. is thus testing new "weapons against impotence."

"The problem with much of our armamentarium," says webmaster Baruch Stein, "is that it often falls into the hands of our enemies."

The new drugs, say analysts, are designed to work only with Jewish penises.

"We will fuck the Arabs," Olmert announced on Friday.

Many experts with experience in the area express doubt that Olmert's efforts will be successful.

"What's an Arab?," asks sex therapist Maeve O'Hara. "They're semites, just like the Jews. They speak the same language, they practice circumcision, they shun pork. They want to return to Palestine."

But chemists who are close to the project insist that the drugs are more complex than that, pointing out the strong presence of European genes in many Israelis.

"That still leaves out the Sephardic population, but Israel would be better off with less of them, too," said webmaster Stein.

Full studies are not yet finished, but side effects so far appear to be minimal. The most serious is reported to be runny semen in a majority of cases. According to one tester, "it splashes all over the place, getting on everything. It doesn't stay in the target. It's almost impossible to control. It's worse than nothing. It's criminal."

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Troops Not Welcomed Home

Rankin, N.Y. -- In a scene reminiscent of the Vietnam era, troops returning home from Iraq were spat on by community members in this small tight-knit community.

"What are they doing home?" asked the father of one of the soldiers. "There's a war on -- we need to stay there till the job is finished."

He then strode over to where his son was pleading for a kind word from his wife and slapped him across the face.

"We believe in this war, because freedom is worth fighting for," sobbed the soldier's wife. I know he misses us, but his duty is in Iraq.

She added that she did not tell their three children that their father was home. "I couldn't explain to them how ashamed I feel. I won't be able to face them again until Jared's on that plane heading back to Iraq."

Minister of Christ's Blood Church Paul Maynard summed up the community's feeling. "We are all so proud of our boys -- for fighting for what we believe in. It was a hard blow to hear that they were all coming home before the war is over. We want our pride back. We want our boys back in the sands of Iraq.

It was a different scene at the Laid-to-Rest funeral parlor.

The parents of dead soldier Nathan Brill were swelled with pride as they greeted visitors paying their respects.

"This is what freedom is all about," said Brill's mother. "We're so happy!"

Quickly adjusting to their lucky fate were Brill's widow and children, two girls aged 4 and 6, all of them basking in the admiring and even envious attention.

"Nathan could not have made me happier," gushed his widow, Michaela.

"Michaela's never looked prettier," noted Nathan's brother Pete. "There's a glow and a confidence there that I never saw before.